Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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