I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
