Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
