Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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