There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
