I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
