Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
