dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
