i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
