quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
