i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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