im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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