the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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