The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
