dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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