I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
