apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
