meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
