her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
