Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I look better un-naked...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
