my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You can't motorboat a personality
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
