I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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