I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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