I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
