i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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