So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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