it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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