mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
