oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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