He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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