ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
