Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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