I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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