somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
