i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
