I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
