So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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