ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
