Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
