Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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