you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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