I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
