I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
