if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
