If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
