i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Let's get the cat blown out
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
