Your tits are I can't wait for
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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