i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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