i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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