May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
