if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
